Greetings, students. It's been a while, hasn't it? In this study, we’ll be having a look at the three primary supernatural entities of the bible: God, the Devil, and angels. Oh, my. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bible is anything but consistent on the way these characters are portrayed, so this is going to be a long and wending road. Bear with me, friends. It’ll be worth it.

Let’s begin with the A-1 numero uno guy. God. Jehovah. Yahweh. The crystalline boogieman. The giant screwball in the sky. This is a character who’s pretty tough to nail down; not only does he seem to take on a different character in the New Testament than he had in the Old, his traits seem to be as ephemeral as the breeze in either set of books. As such, let’s begin with some things which seem to be contradicted in as few places as possible… like what he looks like.

Genesis 32:22-30

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

Okay, so here we are in the first book of the bible, and God apparently just looks like some guy. Nothing exceptional about him is noted, nor is there anything in any translation of the bible (that I am aware of) which indicates that this was God taking some other form in order to beat the crap out of and maim his chosen prophet, Jacob.

This makes some sense; humans were supposed to be made in God’s image, so it stands to reason he would just look like some guy. This does not, however, jibe too well with the notion that humans can’t look at god without dying (a common explanation for that crazy burning bush stunt he pulls with Moses in Exodus 3). I think that the intent of this last passage may have simply been misunderstood; Jacob felt it was worth commenting on the fact that his life was spared in spite of the fact that he saw God face to face because God had just spent a night beating the living fuck out of him, and ended up using his sinister god-powers to cripple the poor guy. Seems to me like he felt like that could have gone a lot worse for him, and he was happy to have survived the beating. Like a severely abused wife.

This interpretation is backed-up by Genesis 26…

Genesis 26:24-28

That night the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham."
Isaac built an altar there and called on the name of the LORD . There he pitched his tent, and there his servants dug a well.
Meanwhile, Abimelech had come to him from Gerar, with Ahuzzath his personal adviser and Phicol the commander of his forces. Isaac asked them, "Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?"
They answered, "We saw clearly that the LORD was with you; so we said, 'There ought to be a sworn agreement between us'-between us and you. Let us make a treaty with you

Again, folks get a good look at the big J without exploding or anything, and there’s no reference to anything extraordinary about his appearance, so it seems like he probably just looks like some ordinary bloke.

Now, let’s skip ahead to the last book of the bible: The always crazy-making Revelation.

Revelation 4:2-4

At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. 3And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne.

It would seem that some time between Genesis and Revelation, Jehovah’s had a bit of a makeover. No longer looking like some guy (perhaps he was embarrassed at the fact that it took him all night to get the better of Jacob all those thousands of years ago), God now looks like he’s made out of “jasper and carnelian” (or, if you go by certain other translations, “jasper and sardius”; it makes little difference, as carnelian and sardius look pretty similar)

According to dictionary.com, these substances are described thus:

Jasper: An opaque cryptocrystalline variety of quartz that may be red, yellow, or brown.
Carnelian: A pale to deep red or reddish-brown variety of clear chalcedony, used in jewelry.
Sardius: a deep orange-red variety of chalcedony

Right. So, God looks like he’s made of some shiny crystal which ranges from yellow to red and which is opaque in places, and clear in others. Also, he has a green halo. Gotcha. If he had the same appearance as humans back “in the beginning”, he sure doesn’t any longer by the time he appeared to John. When did this transformation take place? That point isn’t entirely clear. Nor does it really matter. Perhaps it was a gradual transformation over the course of many years. Regardless, if you imagine God existing today, then this scary crystalline entity is what you’re thinking about in the present tense.

So let’s move along. What kind of guy is this God fellow? This is a tough nut to crack; his actions aren’t exactly consistent. The biggest point of contention within debates of the character of Jehovah seem to centre around the idea that god is all-seeing and all-powerful. After all, it pretty much says so in Luke 1:37, right?

Luke 1:37

For with God nothing shall be impossible.

Nothing, eh? Then what do you say about this?

Judges 1:19

And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

Okay. God is obviously a pretty powerful guy. He can murder all but eight of the people on earth if he decides to (Genesis 7:6 – Genesis 8:14). He can murder an entire army of Egyptians by drowning them in a suddenly-oncoming sea (Exodus 14:26-28). Why, he can even create a giant cube which will fallout of the sky which is so huge that it could crush the entire country of Egypt under its massive bulk (Revelation 21:1-17). This being said, if you’ve got some iron chariots, you’re set: God-proof. One must wonder if iron chariots are like Jehova’s green kryptonite - his one weakness, against which he’s powerless - or if they’re part of a general class of items and devices which he’s too weak to overcome. One way or the other, I think I might like to get me one of those iron chariots so as to strike fear into the hearts of christians everywhere, who would know that their god is powerless to protect them from me. Regardless, this seems to put the omnipotent argument to bed. God is not all-powerful, nor are all things possible with him. So, let’s put that thought out of our heads.

Now, as to the idea that god is all-knowing, all-seeing; fully omniscient. This idea seems to spring from the gospel of John, in which Jesus is yapping at his followers…

John 16:28-31

“I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father." Then Jesus' disciples said, "Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God." "You believe at last!" Jesus answered.

The obvious counter-argument, though, springs from Genesis 2 and 3…

Genesis 2:15-17

The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

Then, a short while later…

Genesis 3: 8-13

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"
He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."
And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"
The man said, "The woman you put here with me-she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."
Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"
The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

Why’s God asking questions that he already knows the answers to if he knows “all things”? This is pretty elementary; he was clearly surprised and outraged by what had been done while he wasn’t paying attention.

If further proof is needed, skip ahead to Genesis 9, where God’s talking down to Noah after the flood…

Genesis 9:14-17

“Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."
So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth."

So, in essence, rainbows are God’s post-it note, reminding him that he’s not supposed to kill everything ever again. The point here is obvious: God is a forgetful old codger, and sometimes needs to be reminded of even the most elementary things. I envision him being the kind of guy who writes “left” and “right” on the soles of his shoes so he can remember which foot they’re each supposed to go on. It takes quite the sub-normal intellect to forget things like “Do not wipe out all life on earth; you promised not to”.

More to the point, if he’s capable of forgetting things (without the aid of rainbows to remind him), he’s clearly incapable of knowing “all things”. Thus, God cannot be omniscient.

Now, we’ve established the fact that God is neither omniscient nor omnipotent. How about the third “omni”: Omnibenevolent? What about the idea that god is all-good?

Brace yourself, folks. We’re going in.

How about that time that God killed 42 children because some of them made fun of Elisha’s baldness?

2 Kings 2:23-24

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD . Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

God kills children for making fun of some guy’s hair? Is he insane? Perhaps the answer to this question is to be found in Deuteronomy…

Deuteronomy 13:12-16

If you hear it said about one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods you have not known), then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly. And if it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done among you, you must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock. Gather all the plunder of the town into the middle of the public square and completely burn the town and all its plunder as a whole burnt offering to the LORD your God. It is to remain a ruin forever, never to be rebuilt.

Take careful note of the fact that God makes no allowances for children, even babies. He says to “put to the sword all who live in that town”. Inclusive. God wants you to kill babies. Babies. Chew on that for a moment, then let’s move along.

Joshua 10 and 11 see the Lord’s humble servants perform genocide no fewer than 10 times; wiping out ten entire cultures, right down to the children and elderly living within them. To get some sense of the manner in which this was done, allow me to direct your attention to the following passages:

Joshua 10:22-26

Joshua said, "Open the mouth of the cave and bring those five kings out to me." So they brought the five kings out of the cave-the kings of Jerusalem, Hebron, Jarmuth, Lachish and Eglon. When they had brought these kings to Joshua, he summoned all the men of Israel and said to the army commanders who had come with him, "Come here and put your feet on the necks of these kings." So they came forward and placed their feet on their necks.
Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight." Then Joshua struck and killed the kings and hung them on five trees, and they were left hanging on the trees until evening.

And what hideous crime did the victims of the armies of God commit that warranted such brutality? They lived on land that God wanted his people to have. They were brutally exterminated like animals for being in the way.

At this point, you might be saying, “Yes, God does some crazy, heartless things sometimes, but his job is hard on him. It’s not like he doesn’t do good things sometimes, too. He saved the jews from slavery in Egypt, right?”. Well, to this I can only say that this was hardly an altruistic act. Let’s have a look at Leviticus, where God lays down the law… in Leviticus 26:14-39 (far too lengthy to cite in its entirety here), he tells his people that they need to follow ALL of his laws, or else. Or else what? Or else 25 verses worth of threats will be made real. Threats like “You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters. [due to hunger and famine]” (Leviticus 26:29), and like “I will scatter you among the nations and will draw out my sword and pursue you. Your land will be laid waste, and your cities will lie in ruins” (Leviticus 26:33).

This theme is re-visited in Deuteronomy 28:15-68, With even more bizarre and imaginative threats such as “You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and ravish her” (Deuteronomy 28:30), “The LORD will afflict your knees and legs with painful boils that cannot be cured, spreading from the soles of your feet to the top of your head” (Deuteronomy 28:35). And let’s not forget the lovely “Because of the suffering that your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the LORD your God has given you” (Deuteronomy 28:53).

By now, the point should be made clear that God is one vicious fucking jerk. Even the rewards for serving him tend to range from the banal…

Leviticus 26:3-5

" 'If you follow my decrees and are careful to obey my commands, I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit. Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.”

(Ooh, it will rain when it’s supposed to. Lord, you are too kind.)

…to the creepy and weird…

Leviticus 26:7-8

“You will pursue your enemies, and they will fall by the sword before you. Five of you will chase a hundred, and a hundred of you will chase ten thousand, and your enemies will fall by the sword before you.”

… as when he promises to turn his followers into super-human killing machines.

Even his loyal servants, who do obey him, often get the short shrift. Have a look at the book of Job. Here God is talking to Satan about what a great guy Job is. Satan questions Job’s virtue, so God tells Satan to go and torment Job just to see if Job makes the mistake of criticizing God for allowing this to happen. Job’s servants are killed (Job 1:16-17), his family is killed (Job 1:18-19), and he’s given a terrible, disfiguring disease (Job 2:7-8). Eventually, Job is rewarded for suffering in silence (Job 42:10-11), but his servants and family remain dead, stricken down at God’s request just so that Satan would stop questioning him. What unmitigated ego God must have in order to be so callous and self-centred.

So what’s the deal? What’s wrong with this freak? Why’s he always killing people? Why does every gift come with a price tag? Why does he demand perfect obedience? Why?

Exodus 20:5

“…I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me”

Exodus 34:14

“…the LORD , whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.”

Deuteronomy 4:24

“For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.”

…and so on and so on. No fewer than nine times in the bible, the point is explicitly made that God is wracked with jealousy. He cannot stand to be anything but the centre of attention. He cannot stand it when things don’t go his way. In short, he has the mentality and strength of character of a spoiled toddler.

Okay, let’s take a breather for a little bit, and then continue on with a look at an entity which is a bit less horrific. The devil.