Study #3 : Can you get into heavan?

Short answer: Probably not.

Most christians will tell you that any sin can be forgiven, and anyone can get into heavan. The bible really doesn't support this idea at all.

Revelation 7:3-8 "Do not harm the land or the sea or the trees until we put a seal on the foreheads of the servants of our God. Then I heard the number of those who were sealed: 144,000 from all the tribes of Israel. From the tribe of Judah 12,000 were sealed,
from the tribe of Reuben 12,000, from the tribe of Gad 12,000, from the tribe of Asher 12,000, from the tribe of Naphtali 12,000, from the tribe of Manasseh 12,000,
7from the tribe of Simeon 12,000, from the tribe of Levi 12,000, from the tribe of Issachar 12,000, from the tribe of Zebulun 12,000, from the tribe of Joseph 12,000, from the tribe of Benjamin 12,000".

So, in total, 144,000 people will be allowed into heaven. These passages are from Revelation, the final book of the bible, which deals with the prophesies of the apostle John regarding the end of the world. By the time of the end of the world, according to this prophesy, there will be a total of 144,000 christians deserving of heaven in existence. And who will these people be? Well, for starters, they'll all be descendants of one of the 12 tribes of Israel. Blacks need not apply. Orientals need not apply. Native north and south Americans need not apply. Northern Europeans need not apply. In fact, if you're not a descendant of one of these tribes, there's no hope of getting into heaven, and thus, no reason to be christian at all.

But the demographic is narrower than that, yet.

Revelation 14:4 "These are those who did not defile themselves with women, for they kept themselves pure".

It seems that these 144,000 christians will all be virgins. And the implication seems to be that they'll be virgins who have held off from contact with women, which certainly implies that they'll all be men. So, you need to be a virgin, you need to be a man, you need to have good breeding, both in terms of your jewish ancestry, and in terms of your ancestors' marital status.

Deuteronomy 23:2 "No one of illegitimate birth nor any of his descendants may enter into the assembly of the lord, even down to the tenth generation".

So, bastards aren't allowed in, and neither are their descendants, for the past ten generations. Assuming a generation is about 20 years, that means the past 200 years, give or take. Ten generations ago, barring incest, you had 1024 ancestors. If any one of them failed to get married before spawning, then you are by no means allowed into heaven, even if you meet all the other requirements. Can you account for each of your 1024 ancestors? No? Well, then, maybe there's some doubt.

So, what else?

Deuteronomy 23:1 "No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the lord".

Yikes! Talk about adding insult to injury! In case you didn't catch the subtle sub-text of that one, what it means is that if you've lost your pee-pee, jolly old saint Peter will turn you away at the pearly gates. Keep it in your pants, boys. So, any other criteria? Yep.

Matthew 12:32 "Anyone who speaks against the holy spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come".

God is a big stupid-head. There, even if I were of jewish descent, a virgin, and not born illegitimately (none of which is the case), I would now be ineligible for salvation, because I've committed a crime which will not be forgiven. Period. Ever. So speaketh Jesus. And what else does the big "J" demand of people that want to live in heaven? That they follow six of the ten commandments.

Matthew 19:16-19 "Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?" "Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments". "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honour your father and mother,'[4] and 'love your neighbour as yourself".

Apparently four of the commandments aren't necessary to get into heaven, just to avoid four pages worth of curses from a very, very, very easily angered god.

So, then: Checklist time.

1) Be a man.

2) Be a virgin.

3) Have an intact penis.

4) Be descended from jews.

5) Obey six of the ten commandments.

6) Never insult god.

7) Be descended from 1024 married people in the past 10 generations.

Do you measure up? The congratulations! You're one of only 144,000 people in the scope of history!

Or not. 'Cause see, the prophesy about the world ending and people getting to live in heaven is bullshit. The bible says so. That'll get explained in study #4.