Disillusioned

All I could do was run. There was nothing else to do. I can t remember where I am, or why I am running. All I can remember is they want me. All I can think about is her.
I knew they were still coming, I could hear their voices. I could hear their footsteps. I ran forward, blindly through the thick fog. The fog permeated everything here on Arnette 4, just another factory world of the Combine. I began to tire and had to take a breath. Little more than smog from the nearby ore processing plant filled my lungs. I stood against a cold stone wall, panting, trying to catch my breath before darting off back into the fog.
They were coming closer. If it wasn t for this dense fog they would already have me, it must be messing up their scanners. I heard them firing shots at me, a hapless bolt struck me in the elbow. The pain was excruciating. I fired back with my S&W CPP .75 calibre bolt rifle. A surge of adrenalin reached me. I ran again, what else could I do? I could hear them yell into the darkness, Private Kreiger! Give yourself up and you will live.
Bullshit! I said to myself, not wanting to give myself away too easily.
Their voices began to fade, though I knew if I slowed down they would still get me, better keep running. I am Ryan Krieger, formerly Private Ryan Krieger of the light drop infantry marine corps.; though I haven t donned that uniform in about a week since . . . her.
It became foggier up ahead, and I had a sudden feeling of deja vu, not just being here before, but doing this before. This feeling did not wain, in fact, after a few seconds, it waxed to the point of madness in my head, for I did not know what it was about or why it was happening. All I could think about and concentrate on aside from running was her.
Breaking through the fog like a beacon of hope was a bright light, shining up ahead. I continued running towards it (running is the first thing they teach in the light drop infantry marine corps. and trust me, they made sure we learned it). I was almost at it before I finally saw what it was, a tavern. I tried to look at the name of it, but it was hidden, as if I was in a dream. Even as I looked harder I was unable to recognize, but I felt somewhere in my mind that I should remember it, but from what? I could hear yelling behind me, but I felt somehow removed. I turned around, but no one was there . . .

Ya, can I get a pitcher of Molbatt s? I asked the barkeeper. I returned to my table with the pitcher and sat down beside . . . her. It was HER! I was feeling one of the strangest sensations ever, like being in an uncontrollable dream while fully awake; but what was I doing with her, and in a bar?
Thanks Ryan. She said with a giggle as I began to pour her a drink. Why are you looking at me so funny?
Could I have replied, or was it totally uncontrollable? I attempted to respond but my body spoke before I had a chance. I meant to ask her name, but instead I replied with No problem Jenn. My body then proceeded to pour myself a drink. While at least I knew her name now, Jenn . . . why couldn t I remember that before?
You look kind of troubled Ryan, is something wrong?
As she said that I began feeling a little lightheaded, then everything went dark, I heard some screaming and yelling and I thought it was her, but as I became more aware of it the voice began changing . . .

This is your last warning!! Drop your weapon and hit the deck!! A light drop marine screamed at me.
My eyes came back into focus and I saw they had caught and surrounded me while I was . . . not there. It took me a second to comprehend. Then as their words hit me I quickly threw my gun down and dropped. As procedure dictated, two of the Combine dogs kicked me in the back to lie me down and placed paralysis-cuffs on me. The same two then picked me up and began marching me down the road with me at the point of their triumphant squadron. I always believed you could look in to a man s eyes and see his ideals. I glanced back at my captors. The two who had taken me down seemed to have no love for their job, even some compassion perhaps, just following orders. I pitied them, for no more than a week earlier, I had been one of them.
I took some time to take in the scenery during the parade back. The fog in my mind had lifted a bit, I still didn t know why I was running, but at least I knew her name. Jenn, I called her. Was my running something to do with her? Perhaps in time more of my memories would come back, and I might be able to figure out this riddle.
If I hadn t already accepted the corruption in the government the march back would have been a real eye opener. We had to go through one of the poorest neighbourhood s in town, and as we went through we saw bodies piled in the street. We might have finally beaten AIDS a few years back, but there was much worse on the way, and in the cramped and dirty houses of the plebs disease grew without restraint; there just didn t seem to be enough money to help them, so no one even tried. They were worse than slaves in the eyes of the government because they couldn t even work without spreading their sickness. Even as I recollected on this one soldier on the right flank spotted a man selling Jez over in the alley. Jez was a highly addictive methamphetamine that most of the plebs were addicted to. He spotted us at about the same time, too late for him though. I also knew the procedure for this. One soldier broke off from the group and gave chase after him in the alley. I listened hard and was able to hear three cracks of a rifle and a single piercing scream. Just procedure. The murderer then sprinted to rejoin the formation. It wasn t entirely his fault; as the book said, what s one pleb s life in comparison to the thousands that die every day from their own filth. I felt disgusted that I had on occasion done that. I looked away from the man, not able to stand the sight of him; as I turned a bright light filled my field of vision and . . .

So you re a soldier? She asked. I was back in the bar, with her, Jenn. I feel sorry for you.
Why? My body asked, how naive I was. This event seemed a little more recent than the previous flashback. I still didn t know how or why these vivid dreams kept coming to me, or even how much time had passed in this dreamworld since my last visit when what I thought was the real world seemed like a dream itself.
Well, just look around you. The Combine has turned our planet into a place where corruption and disease run rampant. A place where a person s worth is determined by how long you can work in a factory. That fog out there is because your factories are pumping god-knows-what into the air. Yet, you just sit back and do what the government says, She replied. It s as if you soldiers don t even have your own minds.
Well I know we aren t perfect, but it is better than no order. A society with total chaos would be much worse off, there wouldn t even be a society. I hated to agree with what my body had just said, but as an old Earth author named Milton had once wrote, It is better to rule in hell, than to serve in heaven. , and we certainly did rule this hell hole. Although selfish from our perspectives, it was the only philosophy we had left to live by. At this point I felt a bit turned by her ideals, they were just the morals our society needed. As we continued to talk I felt stronger about them and closer to her.
I am not sure when I became aware of it, but it seemed that I had fallen deeply in love with Jenn, and she felt the same for me. On the surface it would seem that our bickering was that of a doomed couple, as our outlooks on life contradicted so, but it was merely just lovers flirting in any way they could. To be completely honest, even I (and not just my body in this dream) was beginning to fall in love with her.
Then he entered the bar. Also dressed in military attire I recognized that he was higher in rank than me, quite a bit higher. I however did not recognize who he was exactly. He looked around the bar and making eye contact with me. He proceeded towards us. He sat down beside Jenn and ordered a drink.
Private . . . Krieger. He started looking at my rank and name tag. Who is this girl, and why are you not showing her a better time than just sitting in a bar?
Sir, I replied. This is Jenn Brockton. I am not sure what you mean by showing her a better time Sir.
Well private, you could take her somewhere with a little more appeal than a bar.
Sir, she suggested this place. I quickly retorted. I was pretty sure now by the smell of this oaf s breath that he was already drunk before he entered the bar and was probably thrown out of the last he was in and had to find another place for the night.
Well perhaps I could show her a better time. He said as he moved a hand towards her leg and began to move his hand up her body.
You bastard!!! She yelled, the crowd became silent instantly. She then slapped him across the face. In his condition this was more than enough to knock him out of his chair and on the floor making an even bigger fool of himself. C mon Ryan, we gotta get outta here!
I hesitated for a second; love or duty? Well, whose side are you on? she asked imperatively. Her side. I also knew procedure for those who assault high ranking officers. The penalty is not a slap on the wrist.
We rushed out of the bar and into the dark, foggy cold night. I turned around to look back at the bar, and I started hearing a loud and familiar voice . . .

Answer the goddamn question!! Yelled a man as I came back to the real world with even more of my memories restored. I looked up to see what was going on. It seemed that in my absence I had been escorted to the interrogation room. I looked at who was talking. It was him. The officer from the bar. I looked at his tag, Commander Zelifer.
I looked behind me. There stood the two guards whose eyes I had seen compassion in earlier. I already knew what I had to do. When, the one on my left looked away, I grabbed his Auto-Las-Bolt gun and shot him in the chest. Before the commander even knew it I had pivoted and fired three times at his head. That, however was the end of my insurrection as the guard on my right had pulled his piece and fired on me. My body fell beside that of the commander. The living guard then ran off to report the incident. As I lay dying on the floor, a bright light filled my eyes. . .

Surrender yourselves now and you will live! Yelled Zelifer from outside the hotel where Jenn and had stayed the night.
Damn, they found us. Jenn uttered. Wait, maybe there s a back exit into an alley.
Ya, there could be. I replied. I didn t really think there would be though. Its better than staying up here till they open fire.
We went down a floor to the main level and rushed the kitchen, where all the staff seemed to be huddling on the floor, waiting for the inevitable fire fight. There it was, the back exit. Just as we hoped it led to an alley. Without looking first we ran outside, my S&W CPP .75 in hand, she with a High-Concentration Plasma Bolt gun (a prohibited weapon, but that didn t bother me now). One of the grunts spotted us as we rushed out and signalled for the others. When they came around the corner we both opened fire. I heard some screaming from the end of the alley as more soldiers came to reinforce them. Unfortunately, the alley had little cover, and although we had surprise they quickly regrouped and opened fire on us. I saw him then, Zelifer, maybe if I kill him now he won t be able to get me in the real world. It was worth a shot. But as I aimed Jenn was hit and fell to the ground hard. I looked it was a neck wound. She didn t have long. I knelt down and told her that I loved her. She tried to do the same, but it came out as little more than a gurgle of blood. I tightened my grip on my gun and fired, making the soldiers run for cover. I used this and ran the other way out of the alley, into a dark and foggy street. I began running and then I realized something, I had control now, even in this dream world. Feeling reassured I kept running. Then I saw her. Or an apparition of her at least. I asked her spirit if this dream world was her doing and she nodded.
Why? I asked.
Because, her wraith stated, True love can never die.
At that point I was able to understand without understanding at all. She had done this to give us another chance. Maybe this time I could break this loop, I had to have faith that I could. At that point, I started to run again, because of course...

All I could do was run. There was nothing else to do. I can t remember where I am, or why I am running. All I can remember is they want me. All I can think about is her.